Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
