I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
