my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
