She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
