just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
