My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
