i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
stop calling my apartment porn island.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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