At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
