so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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