oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
