I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
