Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
