My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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