Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
