gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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