so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
