Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
