its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
