Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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