Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
