Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
