he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
