She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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