Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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