So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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