If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
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It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
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