i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
