Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
