Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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