How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
