her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Randomize
