it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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