went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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