my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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