I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
