who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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