How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
