oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm just crazy horny about you
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
