just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
