I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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