i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
