im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
