Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I met the friendliest cop last night
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
two words...techno handjob
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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