You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Randomize
