I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
