fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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