I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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