you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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