Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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