you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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