Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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