I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
