i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
