OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
