I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
