the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
