Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
