omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
